


Sweaty Meats of My Heart

by shyna_dovey_dovey



Category: Invader Zim
Genre: Boyfriends, Fake/Pretend Relationship, M/M, Name-Calling, Pet Names
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-31
Updated: 2020-03-31
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:26:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,753
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23405239
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shyna_dovey_dovey/pseuds/shyna_dovey_dovey
Summary: Dib and Zim are gay for each other. Too bad literally everyone knows it but them.As the only smart person in the room, it's up to Gaz to point their stupid in the right direction.
Relationships: Dib/Zim (Invader Zim)
Comments: 11
Kudos: 109





	Sweaty Meats of My Heart

**Author's Note:**

> Slightly OOC but it's mostly done for laughs. Sexy things are mentioned but they speak dork when they do it so it's ok.
> 
> Inspired by the crazy amazing people over at the 18+ ZADR Discord Server.

"Stop right there, alien scum!" Dib cried as he chased Zim around his living room. 

Gaz was sitting nonchalantly on the couch, hammering away on her ever-faithful Game Slave. Home consoles were for the weak.

She was only mildly annoyed by the antics surrounding her, although she was very aware that they were happening. She didn't know why Zim was here. She didn't know why Dib insisted on turning their living room into an intergalactic war zone. And, quite frankly, she didn't care.

She was so used to the way they flirt-fighted that she could practically mouth their every response like a practiced script. 

Gaz knew that Zim was alien, and she also knew that her brother was an idiot and refused to admit how gay he was for that alien. She didn't care that he was gay, she cared that Zim was annoying and in denial in the *exact* same way that her brother was.

"Never! Eat my laser, Dib-stink!" Zim had produced some sort of energy gun from who knows where and began marring their living room with dark spots. Whether Zim missed because he didn't actually want to hurt Dib or because he just sucked that much was anyone's guess.

Now, Gaz was a very patient young lady. She could handle the toddlers screaming. She could handle repressed gay xenophilia. She could handle the lasers shooting around her and the sounds of furniture breaking as those two idiots ran around screeching like a bunch of jackasses.

However, when a stray laser had shot straight through her Game Slave, effectively destroying the vintage console,  **_that_ ** was the moment when Gaz lost her shit.

"QUIEEEEEEET!!!!!"

The guttural cry of absolution stopped both Zim and Dib in their tracks as they stared at Gaz like deer caught in headlights.

Fuming and seething with rage, Gaz spoke through clenched teeth and clutched what remained of her once beloved Game Slave.

"You….you absolute idiots!! I hate both of you! Do you even realize what you've done?"

"Well…Gaz…" Dib tried to choose his words carefully. "I'm sorry your game got destroyed, but surely you can see how one little console is worth the sacrifice to protect humanity and the greater good??"

Gaz opened one eye so wide that it nearly popped out of her skull.

"Just a 'little console'...." Her whole body was shaking at this point, but then, suddenly, she stopped.

Dib and Zim exchanged a look of 'oh shit' and felt their blood run cold. Gaz yelling was scary. But when Gaz got all quiet like that...it was even worse. It meant that she was planning something sinister to get back at them.

"Fine. I won't get mad. You share one brain cell between you, so I can't expect either of you to understand how not to be dumb.

But you both *owe* me. Not only are you going to earn the money to buy me a new Game Slave, but you're not going to fight. At all. I want the two of you to pretend to be boyfriends. I don't care how long it takes you to earn the money and get in my good graces, you're going to act like loving, civil boyfriends while you do it."

"Eh?!"

"What?!"

Zim and Dib shared a mutual reaction of surprise and disgust.

"As if I would lower myself to a subpar species like Dib-worm!" Zim scoffed.

"No way, Gaz! That's way too gross. Zim's an alien! And he's evil!! No deal."

"Alright then, I offer you an ultimatum. If you don't do what I've asked, and then I'll rip off one arm from each of you. Then I'm going to use that arm and SHOVE it up your ASS. Then I'm going to flay your chests open so you can WATCH as I use that arm I have in your ass to push all the way through and rip your own HEART out."

Zim and Dib were clutching each other at this point, shaking in their boots at how horrifying Dib's sister could be sometimes.

"O-ok yeah, you win, we'll do the first please!"

That was the beginning of their forced 'couple-ship', as Zim liked to call it.

Gaz was working them like slaves practically, and kept a close eye on them to make sure they didn't get into any squabbles.

Dib couldn't tell what was more gross. Pretending to be boyfriends with Zim, or being elbows deep in the gutters on the roof.

"I'm just saying that I don't understand the Dib-sister's wrath. Why should Zim toil in human filth and yard work when she can clearly afford to commandeer the new console!"

"Shhh, she'll hear you!" Dib hissed through his teeth and glanced down from the ladder worryingly in the direction where Gaz was sitting on a lawn chair, reading a magazine and watching them work.

"Are you guys having a disagreement up there?" She called cooly, pulling down her sunglasses to narrow her eyes dangerously at them.

"N-nope! Not at all! J-just telling Zim how...uh...happy I am we get to do this together. You know. Because we're….boyfriends."

"Hm." She seemed satisfied enough with the answer and went back to relaxing.

Dib sighed in relief and shot a glare at Zim and whispered, "Man, that was close. Look, I'm not happy about this either, but we both just have to accept the fact that Gaz is our God now, and we just have to suffer until she decides to grant us the mercy of death."

"Zim fears no one! Zim is-!"

"Zim is gonna be  _ dead _ if he doesn't keep his mouth shut." Dib hissed.

Zim glared at him defiantly, but even without turning his head, he could suddenly feel Gaz's piercing gaze upon him. It sent an unpleasant shiver down his spine, and his antennae lay flat against his skull under his wig. Really, sometimes Zim questioned if the Dib-sister was some sort of other-wordly creature of chaos and destruction guising itself as a small, human Earth baby.

Muttering to himself, Zim begrudgingly got back to work and dropped the subject. Or at least, that had been the plan. But Zim's brilliant mind buzzed with an ingenious new idea suddenly.

"Dib-creature, I think my genius may have found a way out of this disgusting predicament."

"Zim, please. No more plans, and no more schemes." Dib made a face as he pulled out more dirt and grime and leaves. "Ew. Anyways, that's the whole reason we got in trouble in the first place."

"Just listen to me, pig-stink," huffed Zim. "What is the worst part about watching a schmoopy romance movie?"

Dib rose a brow. What a bizarre question.

"Uh...the whole thing?" Zim pulled an unamused face, so Dib sighed, guessing that the stubborn alien wanted a real answer. "Fine. Uh, I guess how like, it's really unrealistic and they're so happy and stuff and-"

"Yes! My point exactly. They're nauseatingly happy. They exchange germs and hold hands and call each other by strange terms of endearment and everyone around them thinks that they're gross.

If we were to 'pretend' and act in such a why, surepy the Dib-sister will become sickened-"

"-and then she'll let us off the hook so we leave her alone! Omigosh, Zim, that's probably the best idea you've ever had. I could almost kiss you."

"Of course, Zim is always incredible! Eh, but you should probably do it anyways. The kiss thing. It will be very convincing."

Dib blushed, not expecting to hear that.

"Really? Uh, ok. I mean, kinda gross since I hate you and all…"

"Yes, absolutely. Your pig-guts revolt me."

"Oh! Good, so we agree then that we'll still hate each other when this is all over, right?"

"Yes, Dib-smelly. Zim does not want to carry on this façade any longer than you do, so we'd do well to take every opportunity to annoy the Dib-sister with our 'happy coupling'."

"Makes sense, I-" Dib leaned forward a bit but stopped, realizing that he was still on the ladder and it would be a stupid idea to fall to his death over a pretend kiss. "Do you mind? Those leg thingies of yours are more sturdy than my ladder."

Zim huffed but didn't protest. Such weak and puny Earthlings, always having to rely on tools to aid them instead of just using the superior PAK legs. 

He moved his legs closer to the Dib and pressed their lips together without much ceremony. Dib had been expecting more warning than that, but Zim didn't find the action to be especially meaningful. As long as they could pretend to love each other with the same passion they used to hate each other, then this would be over soon enough.

Every day from then on, Zim and Dib had become obnoxiously romantic and openly affectionate with each other. In a way, this too had become a sort of competition for them to see who could be the one that was more overbearingly schmoopy.

"I love you you sexy, definitely not alien human being."

"Not as much as I love you my pig-stinky dookie-Dib!"

"I really love how your skin is an unnatural shade of green my maniacal peapod!"

"And I love how big your head is- it's as big as my love for you, my disproportionately sized love pig!"

"Are you Astronaut discharge? Because you're blasting off with my heart!"

"Well you're the sweaty meats of *my* heart!"

"Attractive bug man!"

"Adorable sickly toothpick!"

"Diabolical lovingly evil asparagus!"

"I'm very partial to your subpar mammalian genitalia!"

"I dream about you putting your super tiny load into my washing machine!"

"Well I dream about forcing you through enough completion cycles to glaze a dozen donuts!"

It got weird. Really fast.

Two weeks down the line, and many trips to the principal's office about what should and should not be considered appropriate language on Skool grounds, and Zim and Dib were still a strongly convincing gay couple.

They were so convincing in fact, that even after they earned enough money from Gaz to buy her her stupid gaming device, they continued their fake relationship and Gaz could finally relax in the peace and quite of her home.

Dib had given Gaz a quick goodbye, something about going on a date with Zim and don't wait up.

Inhaling deeply, Gaz assumed her usual position on the couch, newest gen Game Slave in hand, and released a contented sigh.

All was right with the world.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Sweaty Meats of my Heart (The Podfic)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24034420) by [shyna_dovey_dovey](https://archiveofourown.org/users/shyna_dovey_dovey/pseuds/shyna_dovey_dovey)




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